Thank you to all of you who have written posts for us in the last year. Please do keep on sharing your FED stories with us and the growing number of over a thousand subscribers to FED. Your story could make a difference. It is our stories that inspire others to lead for the future, build bigger relationships and make changes.  In this post Mario Huibers a leadership consultant shares his story of making a difference through working with the charity Net4kids.

Mario Huibers

“If you can’t share, you can’t multiply” says Odette van Zijdveld, Managing Director at Net4kids. Odette is a woman with a very clear vision of the Future.

Net4kids was founded in 2003 and since then has helped provide sustainable aid to over 70,000 underprivileged children with the ambition of giving them choices, chances and opportunities without which they would have no hope of changing their situation. And they want to double the number of children that they help in the next couple of years through continuing to provide structural and concrete projects in the areas of housing, schooling and healthcare. It is a big ambition for the future. And it is an ambition underpinned by a guiding value of transparency, of openness, in all that they do.

It is this underpinning value of transparency, of openness, combined with the big ambition of giving children a better future that engages others in what they are up to. All their employees are volunteers, who give of their time freely and, or for a small payment.

What really impresses me about working with them is the amount of engagement, not only towards the compelling future of helping even more children, but also the commitment to each other’s success.  Many of the volunteers run successful business and careers in a “regular” business environment. They not only contribute to Net4kids but also help each other to be more successful. A great example of this is the professional photographer I met who takes pictures for Net4kids but also offers free photo shoots to all the volunteers to use for their social media.  Everybody matters in this organisation and this plays out in how they work together, share and multiply.

Leadership Nudge:  How are you making a difference? What is the contribution you would like to make through your leadership this year, inside and outside of work? What is the bigger difference you could make through your leadership and engaging others in what you are up to?

By Mario Huibers

Learn more about Mario Huibers, the author of this article.

Sunrise at the Grand Canyon

I hope you start the year recharged after a good break. I always use the start of a year to pause and think a little about how I’d like to grow this year. It might seem a bit odd but I find it is very powerful to do this by reflecting on what a nurse, Bronnie Ware, found were the most common regrets uttered by people on their death bed!

Which of the 5 might be a nudge for you to be different in 2012?

I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
I wish that I had let myself be happier.

Pretty powerful stuff and right at the heart of our FED messages.

I will be working on ‘letting myself be happier’. I feel pretty good about how I am with regard to the others but I can do even better in the ‘happier’ stakes. So I’ll be doing even more practice to be at my best happy self more of the time.

Whatever you choose, very best wishes for an even more conscious, rewarding year,

Steve and all the FED team.

We’d like to take this opportunity to wish you all a very festive time, a time of celebration and of replenishing your energies. This is our last post of the year and in it Anthony Landale invites us to reflect on our relationships and to look at one in particular which might need updating and redesigning.

Anthony Landale

I was speaking to a coachee, George, the other week about a big new role he’s taking on. The business is in trouble and George is the man identified to turn it around. He’s got a good track record in this but what became clear to us in our conversation is that if he doesn’t update the relationship with his boss it might seriously impact on the results he achieves. How come?

If you’ve been promoted or taken on a new project you may have experienced that it can feel awkward making bold requests from people who already know you well. You see this in organisations all the time. People take on new roles and they think the relationships they’ve got are good enough. Then they encounter that awkwardness or resistance from people they used to get on with brilliantly and they feel confused. This was the danger that George faced.

George and his boss have always got on but they haven’t worked together for a few years and George is now a much bigger player. What George now faces is the task to redesign this key relationship, consider what challenge and support he’s going to need for the big task he’s taken on and get his boss’ absolute commitment for the Future he’s trying to deliver. It takes conscious leadership and the ability to engage powerfully to redesign a relationship in this way – but it’s vital whenever you are trying to pull off something important.

Nudge: What one relationship in your life needs updating? And what would it take from you to have a conversation with that person about that issue?

By Anthony Landale

Learn more about Anthony Landale, the author of this article.

In this post regular FED post contributor Martin Carter reflects back on the death of his mother two years ago and on a big learning about the kinds of stories he makes up when triggered and the questions he asks that help him get back into being his best.

Martin Carter

We arrived in Solihull at 4am and I immediately jumped into our other car, abandoning Claire and the kids on our driveway, and continued the dash to the hospital in Derby. The roads were clear and I got there in no time at all and joined my dad and sister at mum’s bedside. Four hours later Mum was sitting up eating breakfast with the doctors declaring a miracle. Having not slept, mum insisted I go home and get some sleep.

Within 2 hours I got the second call. The apparent quick recovery was followed by an equally quick relapse. I jumped back into the car and repeated the journey. Only this time the roads were packed. I felt my frustration rising, thinking I wouldn’t get there in time. I found myself adopting all the driving techniques which immediately trigger me when I am on the receiving end of them : passing on the inside, pulling into gaps that were perhaps a bit too tight and driving too close to the car in front, willing it to pull over. The journey took twice as long as before, but thankfully I still made it. Mum died peacefully some time later.

A week later, I found myself ‘triggered’ when a car nipped up my inside and pulled in front of me, causing me to brake. As I started to run my usual pattern of cursing, gesticulating and role-playing what I would say – and perhaps even do – to my offender if I got the chance I heard a quiet voice in my head say ‘perhaps his mum’s dying?’. Immediately the pattern was broken. I realised I had a choice how I responded to the trigger – get angry about something I could do nothing about or let go of it. So I let it go.

Now I’m not naïve, I know that their mum probably isn’t dying. But this isn’t about giving them a break, it’s about giving me a break from emotions I don’t need. Simply acknowledging that their mum could be dying, liberated me from the need to dispense justice, be indignant and to get angry.

I then realised that I was running similar story-telling patterns in lots of other areas in my life and so I set about trying to practice telling myself different stories. Two years on, and I am still finding new ones every day. To help me do this, I have shamelessly stolen a question that Anthony Landale frequently used in our FED sessions – “What are you making this mean?”. I now try and ask it whenever I feel those familiar feelings rising and am frequently amazed at how often it saves me from a whole pile of stress inducing emotions that I just don’t need.

Leadership nudge: What are you unconsciously allowing yourself to make things mean? What could you consciously choose to make them mean and what might that do for your mood, your performance and ultimately the quality of your day?

By Martin Carter

Learn more about Martin Carter, the author of this article.

Apologies to those of you who received a mystery post a week or so ago. A few of you have asked us about it as there was no post to be read – it was a blank to test that all the links were working and was not meant to go out!

This week our post is from Lucy Kidd on the importance of a Playing to Win mindset to success.

Lucy Kidd

Boris Becker is a six-time Grand Slam champion. His secret to success? He played to win.
Becker was recently asked whether Andy Murray has got what it takes to win his own Grand Slam title having now been runner up on three separate occasions.

“It’s not a question of technique or his actual game. In the past, I felt he was more focused on trying not to lose than going out to win. He was too negative. His attitude has to be much more positive. Once you’re in a Grand Slam final, you’re playing to win. He’s very, very close and that’s the only missing ingredient.”

John McEnroe is another tennis legend who agrees that this is essential for Murray now, stating that the demands of the modern game are so great that players need to be fully focused mentally and not waste energy wrestling with the demons inside.

When we truly play to win we bring our full focus and energy to what we are up to. We bring a positivity and belief that conquers any thoughts and feelings of self-doubt or potential failure.

It’s something that champions train themselves to do. They play to win. Do you?

Leadership Nudge – How could you choose to play to win more in your life and work? What inner demons could you lay to rest to help you in this?

By Lucy Kidd

Learn more about Lucy Kidd, the author of this article

We are delighted this week to have a post from John Belmont a mathematics teacher and champion of FED. Here he explores how little things can get in the way of big conversations and of engaging with each other.

John Belmont

I am part of a 10-person team who have their own small staff office which contains a sink. We have coffee and tea making facilities and usually meet together each day during a break. This is a key time for us and big conversations go on there. Given that we all teach separately it is the key time for engagement. However apparently small issues can get in the way of this.

Mugs are a problem.

There are often not enough mugs for each person. Maybe someone has taken a mug away on the previous day and not returned it. Someone has to go without. On other occasions there is a pile of dirty mugs in the sink where a person has returned a mug and left it for someone else to sort out. There are also occasions when the mug that you have been using for days, a mug that you have diligently brought back and washed each day, has been snatched by one of the above mentioned people.

What can you do when you are let down by the mug situation? What can you do about it other than politely ask that all mugs are returned and washed each day? Is it right that the focus has now shifted away from the daily relaxing social break into a fight against the mug-abusers? More importantly a key opportunity for meaningful engagement is lost.

Leadership Nudge

There are numerous potential solutions so find one and move on. Prioritise. Keep sight of the really important issues. Don’t let little irritations spoil big relationships and stop you tackling big issues.

What is happening with your mugs?

John Belmont

Teacher Egglescliffe School, Stockton-on-Tees

Learn more about the author of this article, John Belmot

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In this post Alan Humphries highlights the importance of engaging in and enjoying an activity which in the past he grudgingly complied with.

Alan Humphries

In my boyhood, weekends were characterised by two things. Firstly, playing sport at school on Saturday mornings and second by my father climbing into his blue boiler suit and then working constantly in the garden or garage on his latest venture/project. Of course I was expected to help which I did so somewhat reluctantly.

Later in life I adopted similar habits and frequently worked in the garden on lawns, hedges, rose beds etc. with similar grudging compliance.

One Saturday morning, as I was trudging out of the door in my jeans and wellies, my wife called to me:

“Where are you going?”

“To work in the garden” I wearily replied.

“Why don’t you just go and play in the garden” she said.

To my astonishment these words made a huge difference, changed my mindset and massively
lightened the morning and my time in the garden since.

Leadership nudge: How much fun are you bringing to what you are up to? When could you bring a sense of play to what you are doing? What is the impact this would have on others around you?

By Alan Humphries

Learn more about the author of this article, Alan Humphries, FED consultant and coach

Anthony Landale

Do you sometimes notice colleagues and friends who appear to have lost their zest for work and life? They are working hard but not getting any satisfaction from their endeavours. What’s going on?

There’s a writer called David Whyte who considers this issue in a great book called The Heart Aroused. He tells the story of how he arrived home one day and complained to a friend about feeling completely shattered. What can I do about that, he asked? His friend, wise in such matters, said simply “the antidote to exhaustion is wholeheartedness”.

This story resonates because it suggests that we get burned out when we lose sight of what really matters to us. It’s easy to compromise when the pressure is on or forget our purpose when we are constantly reacting to change. As to what we do about that, it’s easy; at least in principle. Make sure you consistently find a way, especially when busy, to step back, see the big picture and ask yourself what you care about. Better still have a good colleague who will look out for you and help you get back to your best when they see you’ve got a bit lost.

By Anthony Landale

Learn more about Anthony Landale, the author of this article.

Steve Holiday

There are two questions that I often ask in my coaching work of others: What do you really care about? and What are you leading for at home, and at work? They are of course both questions that invite Future focus and are particularly relevant at times of change and transition. I have been asking myself these questions as I near the end of two years studying and am thinking about my future. The questions have me feel both excited and somewhat scared.

From my enquiry I know that what I care about is relationships. I truly believe and wonder at all the possibilities that come from great relationships. It is where I want to bring my focus and energy, in the future and right now. I am curious about what I will learn about myself, about others, and where I will get support and challenge. I am wondering more than ever about building bigger relationships with people, learning from them and being up to something with and alongside them as they face into challenges and change.

Leadership Nudge: Are you being courageous and curious enough about what you care about most? Are you being bold and daring about what you want to lead for and create in your work? How are you supporting others to be bold, daring, courageous and curious? Who is in your support network to help make your future a reality?

By Steve Holliday, Organisational Change Leader & Leadership Coach, Siemens Energy, UK & NWE

Learn more about Steve Holliday, the author of this article.